grace period

Man, has this month gotten the best of me.

It's not all my school work or job hunting that did it. It is the culprit behind many days of inability to work, focus, eat, or be comfortable. She haunts your dreams.

SHE visited.

You know, the Shark Week, Girl-Time, evil demon spawn in my lower abdomen that causes my whole life to stop unexpectedly. I'm usually excited for this because it means my body is finally working correctly, but it is always painful. ALWAYS. I have never had a cycle where I could go play tennis like in those stupid tampon commercials. This was an unexpected visit, since I started a new pack of pills. Nine. Days. Of. Hell.

Needless to say, I've stopped taking those pills and will go back on another hormone product soon. Part of this whole self care stuff is paying attention to my body--something I honestly never did before. This is a terrible habit I've picked up from my parents, I will admit. Thinking about it now, the food I eat, the hours I sleep, every single effing habit I have affects me in ways I may not even understand. This is part of my journey, I keep telling myself.

In that bodily purgatory, I became so fatigued that my brain lost most clarity. Homework assignments sounded absolutely stupid like a seventh grader wrote them. I know there are smart seventh graders, but just hear me out, kthx. I also neglected to get out of bed most of the time, as well as forgetting to take my pills.

Oops.

All my pills.

High blood pressure and anxiety.

Well, then.

That caused a HUGE spiral. I felt like I had been making some progress in the positivity department and not taking any medication stripped that away from me. My husband can attest to my miserable nature during this time. It was not pretty.

I'm back on all forms of medication, minus the BC, and feel pretty good. It's been about 4 days so not all the medicine has kicked in.

Tuesday I took a step closer to my goal of fitness and health by attending my first ever Camp Gladiator session. I was terrified. Of course, I was the first one there because of how scared I am of being late. Maybe that's actually a control freak tendency of mine...don't answer.

I set up, talked to the trainer, realized I had to use a port-o-john, freaked out at said port-o-john though it was cleaner than any I've ever seen, then came back to my mat. GREAT. Of course. Two little college girls set up right in front of me. Full make up, cheerleading ponytails, skinny as a rail. Great.

Someone set up next to me who looked normal. My definition of normal is someone who is a bit nerdy, doesn't wear makeup to work out, and doesn't wear booty shorts to a workout where you will be on the concrete. I chatted with her before the warm up, then made acquaintances with another girl who was my body shape and type. I felt at ease.

These were some of my thoughts during this torturous one hour extravaganza:

-Running is the worst thing ever invented.

-Who knew the butt had so many muscles?

-I should have bought a cool water bottle.

-Are they judging me for my pink yoga mat?

-I don't like pink that much...

-I think I might die.

-Why is everyone so damn happy? We're exercising!

Overall, I'm super happy and proud of myself I went. It was the hardest workout I've done in a realllly long time, but it will make me stronger.

This whole experiment to accomplish all these goals is to make me a better human. Within the next couple of weeks, I'm going to figure out how to structure the goals per post and how to achieve them. As soon as we can afford it, I plan on getting a white board calendar or something so I can chart everything. That way J knows what is going on and he can add to it, too.

Its all about baby steps. Today? My goal is low carb. No soda. No sweet tea. Ok, maybe half and half tea.

I've also been contemplating attending an Overeater's Anonymous meeting. We'll see how that plays out.

Round 2 of CG tonight. Wish me luck! (send help)