Mid-October

Well, totally in a slump lately.

Trying to get a job (well, technically I've been subbing and also have been applying to a million other places) and keeping up with school and cleaning the apartment and getting yelled at by friends on the Internet and trying to work on my documentary but being "scared" and wishing things were different.

This is what has been consuming my mind as of late.

My goals are not even in the forefront of my mind, except one: my documentary.

Working out fell by the wayside when we went to Dallas and to the fair. Surprisingly I didn't indulge in much this year since a lot of the prize winning foods looked absolutely ratchet. Give me some corn, a hot dog, or swirly potatoes, but that's where I draw the line anymore.

Struggling a lot with anxiety. I gave up my medication without a doctor's consent (dumb, I know) because I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. Won't have insurance again until December, so, that's great.

Also struggling with immense amounts of guilt.

Guilt for living in a new place away from my parents.

Guilt for deciding to terminate my relationship with my brother.

Guilt for buying a car I can't keep up with.

Guilt for failing a class.

Guilt.

Guilt.

Guilt.

You can insert any other phrases or words after "guilt", such as "for eating a McFlurry after dinner" or "for not cleaning the bathroom when it's so stupid easy, you lazy animal". Stuff like that.

I feel like I've been backsliding in my progress that I made with counseling due to us simply not being able to afford it. Can't afford to do anything, really, and its driving me out of my damn mind. We don't have a couch, just a shitty little futon thing that is broken (Justin miraculously figured out how to salvage the dumb thing) that I sit on while Justin sits in my brown chair. It's really fucking annoying. Who knows when we'll be able to afford a couch.

No, the house isn't unpacked or perfectly clean and I'm sure you're asking yourself "What the hell does she do all day?" and I'm asking myself the same thing and maybe you aren't asking it at all but I'm assuming you are because of said guilt.

The day usually goes like this:
1. get up with Justin
2. tell him goodbye and I hope he has a good day
3.  Make eggs in the microwave, which I have become a pro at lately, and watch an episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia
4. Watch another episode
5. Text Justin
6. Feel guilty and annoying
7. Apologize
8. Homework
9. Ask him about lunch
10. Either go and get lunch with him or scour for food at home
11. Probably go to HEB just because I can go in there and snoop around without it being weird
12. Buy a soda I shouldn't drink
13. Feel like crap because of said soda
14. Nap
15. Apply to jobs
16. Research shopping malls
17. Immediately feel like a failure
18. Browse online for stuff I can't have
19. Feel guilty some more
20. Justin returns, usually he's too tired to do anything so we eat and watch TV and I hate my life.

That's pretty much what my day looks like and how I'm adjusting to Austin.

Its great.